


Social media wizard

by Blankdice, justsomerain



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Stolen Century, Twitter AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 15:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19320958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blankdice/pseuds/Blankdice, https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsomerain/pseuds/justsomerain
Summary: The Starblaster crew goes on Twitter. But what are their usernames?





	Social media wizard

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I'm super sorry if these are actually someone's real Twitter handle! I didn't check them, this is just an extended joke.

"So why are we doing this again?" Taako asked, swiping down on the little flat device that lay on the Starblaster's kitchen table.

"Same thing as usual," said Barry, "find the light of creation, save the world?"

"Yeah, no, doy, but this in particular. Oh hey, a cute dog."

Magnus instantly leaned in, awwed over the tiny shiba puppy jumping on a trampoline.

Barry sighed, wiped his glasses. "We need some info and this is apparently where you can find all the rumours. I think it'd help if we all had an account, so we can ask around."

"Sounds like a lot of effort," said Lup, Taako nodding along.

"I think it's a good idea," said Davenport. "Not all battles are fought with fists, some are fought with words. Also I'm your captain, and please don't make me order you to do this."

It was quiet for a moment. Davenport looked at them all expectantly. Taako had abandoned his little screen, while Magnus was glued to his, giggling quietly every once in a while. More dogs, probably.

"All right, fine, stop it with the expectant looks," Lup said eventually, and set to typing.

Davenport was the first with a fully filled in profile. It was @cptdavenport and featured a picture of himself that was taken a little bit too close up, leaving the focus just off and cropping out part of his forehead in favour of his moustache.

Taako was second, with @therealtaakofromtv. His profile picture was flawless, his bio read "chef, saviour of worlds and all around excellent person book date tbd" and somehow he managed to accumulate 2306 followers despite only having an account for three minutes.

"It's the chorizo," he said.

"You mean charisma?" Barry said.

"No, chorizo, I got into a fight with this wannabe celebrity about sausages, you should see what this schmuck thinks about quality sausages it is an absolute sham. Also his marketing strategy is atrocious, he'll never be famous at this rate. Anyway it went viral and I'm a meme now. But yes, also the charisma."

"What do you mean with viral?" Davenport said.

Taako tsk-ed. "Get with the program, old man."

To no one's surprise, Barry's account was @denimplanet. It was empty, except for a single retweet of a picture of denim cowboy boots.

Magnus' account was @monsterdog69.

"Oh crap," he said. "I misspelled it."

"Doesn't look misspelled to me," said Taako. "Nice, by the way."

Magnus made a sad face. "I meant to write monsterdong."

As Taako choked on his laughter, Lup said: "Aw, cheer up homie. Just pretend you meant dog all along. You're gonna be putting dogs all over that anyway, so really, it fits."

Magnus looked up thoughtfully, thumb hitting the like button on a video of a dog giving high fives. "Yeah," he said, "that's fair."

Lucretia had nabbed @accuratephysicsfacts. Her profile picture was a fractal, her bio was empty.

"God, you're such a nerd," said Lup. "I'm gonna follow you. Hang on, there's nothing on here except weird cat pictures."

Lucretia looked at her, raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Your account is called accurate physics facts. Your profile is some weird science thing."

"Yes," said Lucretia again. "Your point?"

"I mean, if you want to play it that way," Lup said. She pressed back on her profile creation screen. She just hadn't been able to settle on a username, and @ladyflame had been taken. She had just picked @lichesgetbitches just to get it over with, but here was an opportunity to troll her friend, and she just wouldn't be Lup if she didn't take it.

"There, I followed you."

Her username was @inaccuratephysicsfacts. She was in the process of retweeting Lucretia's weird cat pictures and adding explanations to each one.

She had captioned a video of an autotuned cat with "this cat is showing a rare case of metaphysical regression. all of its ancestors are speaking though it, causing the strange echo effect. fun fact!"

Lucretia rolled her eyes, but smiled and retweeted Lup's selfie before even Taako could get to it.

Merle was @horticunture and absolutely no one, not even Davenport, wanted to follow him.

"Whoops," he said, "I made a spelling error too."

Taako shook his head. "Nuh uh. Nah. Absolutely not. I can see you grinning and I do not want to know what you are looking at."

It didn't do much, in the end, to help find the light of creation. Lup and Lucretia did end up gathering a dedicated following that outnumbered Taako's, to his annoyance.

Merle ended up getting banned. It was probably for the best.


End file.
